Chapter 9 - FOUR YEARS OLD
I came home in October.
The leaves had turned in Minnesota.
Norah allowed me to meet the twins in a public park.
I arrived twenty minutes early.
No suit.
No entourage.
Just me.
Then I saw them.
Noah ran first.
Heart surgery scar beneath his shirt.
Healthy.
Fast.
Alive.
Lila followed, yelling:
“Wait!”
They stopped five feet away.
Studied me.
Children are cruelly honest.
Noah asked:
“Are you really Daddy?”
My throat closed.
“Yes.”
“Why were you gone?”
Norah looked at me.
My answer.
Not hers.
“I did things that were against the law.”
Lila frowned.
“Bad things?”
“Yes.”
“Did you say sorry?”
“I did.”
Noah asked:
“Then why jail?”
There it was.
The question adults avoid.
“Because saying sorry doesn't erase consequences.”
Norah’s eyes filled.
Noah considered.
Then handed me a toy truck.
“Want to play?”
I nearly collapsed.
“Yes.”
We played.
For forty minutes.
Then Lila demanded snacks.
Normal.
Perfect.
Norah and I spoke while they climbed a small slide.
“You look different.”
“Less expensive.”
She smiled.
“No. Quieter.”
“I’m trying.”
“What now?”
“I have a job offer.”
Her expression tightened.
“With who?”
“Legitimate freight compliance.”
She actually laughed.
“You?”
“Yes.”
“That is funny.”
“I know.”
“Where?”
“Minneapolis.”
She looked at me.
I waited.
“I didn't choose the city because of you.”
“Good.”
“I chose it because Sofia knows the owner and they’re willing to hire an ex-con with an embarrassing résumé.”
Norah laughed again.
That sound.
Still dangerous to me.
I continued:
“If you want me farther away, I can—”
“No.”
I stopped.
“Stay.”
One word.
Not come home.
Not husband.
Stay.
I did.
For another year, I lived twenty minutes away.
Parenting schedule expanded slowly.
School pickups.
Cardiology appointments.
Weekend afternoons.
Then one overnight.
I barely slept.
Noah woke at 2:00 a.m.
Nightmare.
I sat beside his bed.
He whispered:
“Mom says your dad was scary.”
Children.
No mercy.
“Yes.”
“Are you scary?”
“Sometimes.”
“Are you scary to me?”
“No.”
“How do you know?”
Good question.
“I have to keep proving it.”
He accepted that.
Then fell asleep with his hand around my finger.
Same grip as the airplane.
May you like
Only bigger.
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